


If Timothee Chalamet Were Your Boyfriend

by spriestman



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 22:53:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13774332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spriestman/pseuds/spriestman
Summary: I used to frequent The Toast and especially loved their If X Were Your Y series. Once Call Me By Your Name started making the festival rounds, interviews with Armie and Timmy appeared everywhere, and Timmy's major cuteness became well known among fans of the movie. I started fantasizing, er, thinking about how The Toast's series might apply to our own Elio, and well, here we are.





	If Timothee Chalamet Were Your Boyfriend

**If Timothee Chalamet Were Your Boyfriend**

_With utter respect for Mallory and the late, lamented The Toast_

If Timothee Chalamet were your boyfriend, you would wake up every morning happy to be alive, because you would realize that you had the most amazing boyfriend ever.

When you would go out, he would always want to hold hands and he would pull your hands up to point things out to you about New York, as if you didn’t live here too, because you would have to live in New York if Timothee Chalamet were your boyfriend. He might go to LA for work, but he would always come back to his hometown and the only _real_ city. If Timothee Chalamet were your boyfriend, sometimes he would crack you up imitating how people act in LA, how the valet at the Beverly Wilshire is snobbish and he knows because the guy’s nostrils literally flare when Timothee pulls up in his rented Toyota Prius. Timothee would only rent electric cars because he cares about the planet, like, a _lot_ , as he would tell you when he had more than two glasses of wine, looking at you earnestly as though you were Al Gore and this was a test of his environmental awareness. If Timothee Chalamet were your boyfriend, you would get used to how woke he was, and mostly you would be glad to have a woke boyfriend, when you didn’t want someone who might occasionally yell at you and tell you to stop being a bitch. Nobody really wants to be called out, not really, but sometimes you would get just a tiny bit tired of how nice Timothee Chalamet was and how all your girlfriends were jealous of you, and how your mother would always say that she didn’t know how you landed such a wonderful boyfriend. Even if you would occasionally like someone who could be mean so that you could be mean back.

If Timothee Chalamet were your boyfriend the only time you would ever fight would be over what music to play. You’d try to tell him that Cardi B was not a thing that was happening in your life, and that Kendrick Lamar was really misogynistic, and he would say, Babe, you just haven’t given them a chance, that shit is lit. Since you are four years older than Timothee, exactly as many years older than Armie Liz is, you would try to say, Babe, maybe you don’t know what’s lit just yet, but then he would get a hurt look in his eyes, which you would know on some level would be just Timothee being an actor and using his beauty to manipulate you, but it would work every time because he _is_ beautiful and his eyes would shine when he looked at you, and then you would just want him to be happy.

If Timothee Chalamet were your boyfriend you would always want to stay at your place because his place would be a disaster. He would take care of his clothes, like really _really_ good care, taking the wools and silks only to the high-end cleaners that Greta Gerwig told him about that time he was complaining about his neighborhood cleaners never returning anything that looked like it had been, you know, _cleaned_ , but he somehow never would have time to buy actual furniture. He would start, like for instance he would probably have a really nice sofa that his mom shopped for when he got his first big paycheck, and his bedroom would basically be just a king-sized European platform bed with a recycled rubber mattress and just enough space on each side to toss scripts and dirty socks and beer bottles and YOUR clothes. He would love that bed, and you wouldn’t have the heart to tell him it was too hot to sleep on, so you would just mostly stay at your place. He would look through your drawers and ask questions about all your books, but you wouldn’t mind because he would be genuinely curious and you would love that someone cared about books as much as you do and about you as much as you did about him.

If Timothee Chalamet were your boyfriend you would have to put up with weekends full of all his old classmates from LaGuardia when you were in New York and Armie and Elizabeth Hammer and their two little ones when you were in LA because Timmy is really awkward with people he doesn’t know but entirely extroverted and exuberant with those he does, and you would be expected to fit in and so you would, even though his old friends would be intimidating because they would tell every embarrassing story about him and have a thousand in jokes and even though Armie Hammer is almost as beautiful as Timothee and you would spend all your time at his and Liz’s place trying not to stare, you would do it because Timothee was your boyfriend. If Timothee Chalamet were your boyfriend, you would lose twenty pounds in the first three months because he lives on coffee and prosecco, which he developed a taste for in Crema. His refrigerator would never have food in it, and he would never want to stop somewhere just to eat. You would understand that really thin people basically don’t eat, and you would try to think like a really thin person, which would probably result in your starting to smoke cigarettes again, because Timothee Chalamet smokes cigarettes. He tries not to be photographed smoking, but he started in Crema, everything started in Crema, and now he can’t seem to stop.

If Timothee Chalamet were your boyfriend, he would probably forget your birthday. He would probably forget your one-month anniversary. He would occasionally forget to call. Every time he would forget, he would be so mad at himself and so uncharacteristically grumpy all day that YOU would end up comforting HIM for his mistake. Timothee never wants to hurt anyone, especially you, but he has a terrible memory and he is busy and trying to take advantage of this place he’s in, careerwise. You wouldn’t begrudge him. Who wouldn’t want to ride this high? You would compromise by saying, Babe, now that you have money, how much would you have spent on my present? It’s ok, tell me the truth. Because he’s Timothee Chalamet, he would tell you the truth, and even though you would suspect he added a zero because he felt so guilty, you would go together to shop, and he would find something for you at a vintage shop around the corner from the bookstore he distracted you with, and then he would give it to you with a gesture and a look that would say, I’m so glad you forgave me because you’re the best thing in my life, and the present, an antique locket with pictures inside that look like the two of you, especially if you squint, would be perfect. Let’s do this every time there’s a reason to buy each other a gift, you would suggest, and his eyes would get really big before he would say, That is the best idea ever. Let’s do it.

If Timothee Chalamet were your boyfriend you’d have to be confident, because he would always be the prettiest person in the room. You’d have to be stylish to look good with him, because he has a natural grace and the perfect frame for clothes. You’d have to put up with his spooning you in bed, because with zero body fat he would be cold all the time, and like all New York apartments yours would never be really warm. You wouldn’t mind spooning with Timothee Chalamet, because every now and then he would kiss the back of your neck and mumble something sweet, and then you would remember that he’s really a big puppy and he will grow up someday.

If Timothee Chalamet were your boyfriend, you would be really grateful most of the time. You would adore that someone so full of joy and life was willingly in your life, and you would love his sister and his parents, especially his father, and you would constantly be telling yourself, don’t fall too hard, but you would fall that hard anyway, because Timothee Chalamet would be the best person you ever knew in addition to being famous and talented and funny and awkward in an adorable way. You would try not to adore him excessively, because something would tell you that it wasn’t going to last, but it would be hard. It would be really hard, and sometimes you wouldn’t be able to do it. Timothee Chalamet really _is_ a ray of sunshine, and if he were your boyfriend, sometimes that knowledge would be Too Much.

If Timothee were your boyfriend, you would make him let you put makeup on him and style his hair, and then you’d take pictures of him that wouldn’t scare him because he would be unrecognizable, like the prettiest girl at your high school, the one that you never see any more since she married that rich older guy. You would catch him looking in the mirror at how pretty he looked, and you wouldn’t tease him about it, because for some impossible reason Timothee Chalamet would be insecure about his looks still, just a little bit, and insecure about not being a dude bro like his good friend Armie. You would be happy that he was embracing his inner girl.

You’d say oh babe, you make such a pretty femme lesbian, let’s go to a lesbian bar. I’ll dress butch and hide my hair under a cap and you can wear one of my dresses, come on let’s shave your legs, and he would do it, because he’s an actor, and he’s really good at all of this, and after a couple of hours at the bar, during which every woman in the place would give you stinky side eye and graciously bestow their best smiles on the super tall but gorgeous girl you were with, you’d take him home and undress him tenderly and kiss the lipstick off his lips and have the best sex of your life, because Timothee Chalamet is your androgynous manic pixie dream boyfriend, and you would worship his frail body and make him listen to The Smiths and all of Sufjan, not just the few songs he knows, and you’d be really sad but not that surprised when, after a few months, Timothee would move on, because by then you would already have a pretty good idea that he was ready for a boyfriend too.


End file.
